I do too exist!

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There really isn't much in my diary over the next few months. It was more of the same; I settled down

into a most comfortable rut. This allowed me time to just simply be Jayne for awhile as I could.

And then I met Cary…what a man! J (Sigh...) I still get all tingly when I think of him....

…I've had a hit on my profile (on Gay.com); he lives in Terre Haute but is willing to travel. I don't

think it will work out, though. Meantime, on my trip to the shop today, I met a bear of a man-his name

is Cary, and we were all over each other big time. I gave him one of my e-mail cards; we'll see what

happens with him. I hope that something works out-he's cute! J

Oh, yes, I forgot to mention...I had made up some business cards as Jayne Sakura, in case I met

someone I really liked. Those have been few and far between, though...!

About this time, the S.O. went out with her Mom for a few days prior to a convention we were both

Well, they're gone--which means that the T-Girl can come out and play! I wish Cary were free-he

writes the sweetest, sexiest e-mails to me! J But he can't, so I'll have to be content with dressing

more femme. Then again, there's a shot I could get lucky tomorrow night--but I'm not holding

my breath...I've gotten so used to wearing women's clothing now I don't want to wear men's clothes

if I can get out of it. I don't wear skirts out much, but then, I don't have to. Panties, a bra, hose at

...last night, I got dressed in my Cherokee skort and top set, slimmer, pantyhose, t-shirt bra, pumps

and full makeup--you know, the works--and went down to Someplace Else. It started slow--a drunk

Hispanic "escorted" me in, then kept grabbing my butt and my boobs--but the highlight of the night

was meeting Joe. He's very queer (He hates being called "Gay" because he's miserable). I'll bet we talked

for an hour and a half--if I hadn't had to be up early today, Id've stayed longer--but I did give him a

card and told him to e-mail me--we could do lunch. Before I left, I gave him a hug--and got the

biggest compliment: he thought my boobs felt really good! Now for a male queer to tell this T-girl

that her boobs felt really good, that's a compliment!

I wish in a way that I didn't have to be homme today--I liked my longer nails, hated to take them

off but would have been a tad suspicious today. These boobs may feel really good...but it makes taking off my

Tonight I had to go back to being "en homme" and quite frankly, I didn't want to. Not only I am

more comfortable as a woman, but I enjoyed this time so much that I just didn't want it to stop.

I'm beginning to wonder if I am gender dysphoric. I've gotten so used to thinking of myself as a

woman that maybe--just maybe--I need to look further into this. Meanwhile, I have to finish

getting ready for my "other" vacation...The folks arrive tomorrow, and I don't think they'd want to

August essentially evaporated. But several things happened all at once: I gave up trying to keep

this website on Gay.com (click here to read why), and moved it to Tripod. (My sister looked it

over and said "You go, girl!" J) I released the First Edition of "The Weekend Woman". I opened

a mailbox in both my feminine and masculine names. I did the same with a checking account.

(Because of legal things, my masculine name has to be on both. It doesn't mean my male self uses it,

though!) I started shaving/depilating a larger patch of my chest...and my underarms as well. The same

weekend I shaved my underarms, I bought a handbag...and started using it daily in lieu of a fanny

pack. Joe introduced me to Penny Lane, a great little coffeeshop. They accepted me, makeup, boobs

Oh, yes...there was one other minor item to share...

...I have taken two tests to determine mental sex, and it comes as no surprise: I'm Gender Dysphoric!

All that tells me is that I am possibly Transsexual.

So...now I have to determine if I want to seek counseling or not. Who can I trust? Where is the line?

I haven't minded the term "Transgendered"--but can I really move forward? Do I dare? I mean,

it will most definitely cost me my job, and possibly my marriage.

And, will I ever be really, truly happy? I will have to take it one day at a time.

Of course, September 11th, 2001 shook me--and everyone else--out of my reverie. This was not

what I--or anyone else--needed. Or wanted, for that matter. Knowing I was clean from any

STD's, I went the next day to give blood, as I have a somewhat rare blood type. And then I came back

and wrote an article the day after that. (To read "On 9/11", click here.) By the end of the week, we heard the

opening rounds of hate being spewed by my fellow believers. (I count myself as Christian, after all.) Here

"The ACLU's got to take a lot of blame for this. And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out

successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The

abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million

I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively

trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to

secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen'."

Once again, in a time of national trouble, do small minded people come out and take a pot-shot at

those who are not "just like them". There may be a time for such idoicy, but now is not it. We of the GLBT

community can be equally as thickheaded as those on the so-called Fundamentalist right, and we often

use the same kinds of rhetoric when it suits our goals.

Now is not the time for this kind of hatred on EITHER side of the great divide. While I am no fan of

Robertson OR Falwell, it is still a free country, and if someone wants to make a bloody idiot out of

What we need now are words of healing, no doubt. Goddess knows, we have enough hatred for people

right now. As one who lives as a person of Transgender, I can celebrate being unique. We all are unique

people...and that includes those people who choose to live very one dimensionally. Let us put aside for

now our differences, and pull together--bigotry notwithstanding--for the good of all Americans. Once

we have settled that issue, THEN we can resume our bickering back and forth.

There was so much that happened over the next few weeks that life was a blur. It probably was

...I guess there are some things, knowing that I am possibly (probably) transsexual that, once I

really think through them, are starting to make far more sense now than they did so long ago.

Most of my comfy clothes are feminine now, as are a number of work/dress items.The S.O. has

really helped define some of this, but even so, I can't just go home and dress quite the way I'd like.

September 15th was quite a day. Cary came overto my office, and we spent an hour and a half

"doing it". We talked some afterwards, and it was really a good time. (sigh...) I love it when

somebody makes me feel like a total woman. The way he spoke, the way he held me--I would love

to have more times like that. Mmmm...That man makes me feel so special!

Of course, the downside is that I almost walked out of my office with full eye makeup on. Which

wouldn't be too bad, but one of my coworkers was standing outside my door...!

There's a part of me that wants to be able to be female all the time. I mean, there are some

problems with the way things are right now. I know that one day I'm gonna get read. I need to get

the voice tape, I'd love a set of inserts, and some form of I.D. could be very useful, indeed... I need

to be careful. There's a part of me that is tired of being careful, though. It's that part of me that

really wants to be totally accepted for who I am--not what gender I claim. Maybe someday soon!

Some days, it's enough to have a victory at all. After some discussions (pro and con), a rather…unique…

The S.O. and I went on a road trip on Saturday (the 6th). She bought me a yoke-neck T-shirt that was on

sale, and then we went to Wal-mart in Paducah, KY. and I bought a cheap sports bra! Right there in

front of her! It didn't seem to phase her at all. I wore it to church yesterday under my white Hanes crew

neck tee and blouse . Wow…what a neat thing!

I wonder what the S.O. thinks. Nothing seems to phase her these days. Now, if I can get her to accept

a regular bra and panties-now that would be cool!

One of the joys of the Internet age is being able to sign up for stuff you might actually use, sight unseen.

I went through a period of time where it occurred to me that, if I should ever go full time as a woman,

I need to establish myself with more than just a mailbox and checking account…

I don't have much time to write today, but today is another major milestone of sorts: I am starting to

get new forms of identification, of a fashion. I have a major hotel guest card, a major airline mileage card,

as well as a drug store discount card. I think I will keep trying to go this route, to get more of the

same. You never know when you might need it….

Gotta run-I need to get of out this padded bra before the S.O. walks in-

I actually have kept this up through today for the same reason: If I ever go full time as a woman…it'll

be nice to have. I do not have any credit cards or driver's licenses. I do not believe in doing anything

illegally. (I DO have a debit card in my full femme name…but that was easy, since it's a joint account.)

There isn't much with the rest of this year, other than just being Jayne. A busy Jayne, but being Jayne

nonetheless. (The last few months of the year tend to get clogged up with Christmas stuff…sort of an

occupational hazard in my masculine line of work.) The sole exception is going to visit my family and

relations over Christmas. I may choose to put a section on the website about traveling as an 80%+/-

time woman. If I do, that trip will be there for sure.