A new direction

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2002 started off…way too early in the morning for me. I spent the first being a demure little housewife. It felt really good! Now when one starts an adventure,

you have to take the first step. In my case, that meant that I needed some new shoes…

Happy New Year…a day late. It's worth it, though…I have Princess shoes! --and the S.O. bought them

for me, making them even better! She felt (while on the Southern Swing) that my other shoes were just

falling apart. So yesterday we spent two hours looking for shoes (that fit), and finally found a pair of

size 11 Women's Reeboks, Princess model (of all things).Sometimes I think she has more fun shopping

This year, I will have to be making some further refinements. I have the money for a wig right now-

and I'm getting it as soon as possible. Ditto the new herbs for breast enhancement. I am eager to see

…and then, just like that, January evaporated…

So much has happened in a month! I'm now following an herbal regimen, I did buy a wig (and have

gone out in it a few times, to boot) and now I'm ready to go on a very special trip with the S.O…It's our

10th anniversary, and we're going to Pigeon Forge. Sometimes I still feel (somewhat) like a husband,

but most of the time anymore I feel like we are sisters, in a sense. (Not that she'd ever call me that,

I'll be going pretty much en femme on this trip, since I have the hassle of family to deal with. I'm

really looking forward to this trip…I need a break!

Normally, I would share everything on a trip like this…but this time, dear friend, I am choosing to

NOT share much (A girl's got to have some secrets, after all). However, there was one thing that I

What a trip! I now have a new bra (it's given my boobs a nice lift), and three pairs of panties. The S.O.

knows about them, and truly doesn't care. I wore a pair of panties and the new bra on our Anniversary

dinner…I looked great! Did my nails up right and everything. We had a marvelous time, and I don't

…I'll have the best part of four days-alone-to play. I've started making plans for what I want to do.

Pictures are a part of that; so is going to Someplace Else. En femme, with wig. Little by little I am

transforming into the woman that, deep down, I have always known I have been…. I am becoming

more relaxed, and other people have noticed this. I must move on…but carefully.

…and then, just like that…February evaporated on me as well!

It's official: I'm going to be a doctor! My work has been accepted-now I'm waiting on the degree.

What a hoot! I wonder how I can use it? And, can I do another one?

My "special time" starts tomorrow night-and I am really looking forward to it!

Rather than bore you with arcane details about everything I did on this weekend, I am choosing just

the highlights. (Did you really want to know that I watched `Dragonball Z' in my new chemise/kimono

set while the polish on my toenails dried? I didn't think so.)

Last night was about as interesting as very, very early this morning was. (Actually, I'm surprised I can

write at all…J) After coming home from work and changing, doing the chores and all that, I did my

nails, shaved my chest in that patch that needs a shave, put on the new strapless bra, the optical blue

shirt from Speigel, my denim skirt from Old Navy, navy hose and pumps, did the wig, makeup, and got

all dolled up and went to Someplace Else. Now two things happened. One of which is I got hit on.

Severely. The other is that I got asked why I wanted to be a woman. I'm going to tackle that first.

Now, the lady asking me the question was drunk. I mean, all but falling in my lap plastered. I tried

to explain it from several points, but she just didn't get it.

And then it really hit me: why did I want to be a woman? It's pretty much taken that I am working

toward that end-but why? This is a question I may be puzzling over for quite a while, off and on. As

for being hit on…well, okay. He told me what was on his mind pretty clearly from the word go. He was

6'2", decent-looking, muscular and horny. Works for me! J (Oh, yes…he was also black as the night.

Sigh…-Y-) I knew I was taking a big risk here-but then, I have always known that.

Anyway…on the way home, we were rubbing each other's crotch (no mean feat for him; the skirt

worked, but the cincher kept the male thingy in place). And when I parked the car, he reached over

and kissed me. Deeply. His lips were soft and gentle, and his tongue was tagging mine…I could taste

his urgency, his desire. Once upstairs, it wasn't but 3 minutes before he was naked and I was down to

my wig and jewelry. I truly felt feminine by sucking his cock and watching his reaction between the

loose tresses of my wig. We did each other once, the he tried to lay me-no luck there. He couldn't find

my hole, and I couldn't straddle him. So I blew him again. Then I tried to sleep; no luck there, either.

He jumped me in bed; I ended up coming all over the sheets and him (He may well have come, too).

Finally, about 4AM, I booted him out-took him where he wanted to go, and then came home and

crashed. I wish he'd have let me sleep some; Id've kept him all day and into tonight. (sighhhh….)

Not really romantic, but an incredible lay did my wonders.

Yesterday was the most femme I have ever been at work: Underwire bra, camisole, Femme Navy

turtleneck, panties and pad, pantyhose, femme navy slacks. Pink toenails, too! It was so cool-I need

The rest of the entries for the weekend from here deal with the "why do I want to be a woman"

thing-and that is actually on another part of the website: See "On Becoming a Woman" under the

Prose section. (Click here to read it.) I spent most of March doing a lot of introspective thought…

most of which dealt with (A) the "woman" question, and (B) trying to balance a life that suddenly

I have just a few minutes to jot some thoughts down: I'm okay-really-with the concept of being a

woman; in fact, I am the most comfortable that I've ever been in my life. Yet, I also have to walk a

certain amount of tightrope. I mean, society sees me as a man, yet most of my nurture in life was

either outright feminine, or androgynous at best. Knowing my skin Ph is all wrong, that I don't have

-and never HAD-the squared off pec muscles of a man but rather a woman's curves (hell, I've known

I've had boobs for years), and my thought processes are largely feminine all speak to that…

I was granted my doctorate on March 19th; but outside of that didn't have much to say until…

I just have a few minutes while the polish dries on my toenails to jot some thoughts down. I've been

a little concerned the last week or so by the growing amount of time I want-no, really need-to be en

femme. Lunches in my office-wig, jewelry, light makeup-are becoming the norm. Or, going to Penny

Lane en femme. And I would let this continue to bug me even now as I write this (in much the same

attire) if I hadn't run into a TV acquaintance today. She's "not doing drag" right now-just trying to

find a job, move, etc.-the things that life normally takes up. It wasn't until I was on my way home

that it hit me: He/she "does drag"; I live as a TG MTF. What a piece of the puzzle to be handed! See,

this is the same person who has all the "knowledge" of being TV, and has told me things from time to

time. Yet, I'm living at least 70-80% of my time as a woman! No, I don't do the Tammy Faye

makeup/diaphanous gown thing. But…I can walk into Casual Corner, or Dress Barn Woman, or

I was ordained as MaryJayne Sakura the 15th of April. I retook the COGIATI and Moir-Jessel the 17th;

my scores were 355 and 85, respectively. These were up from the retakes in September of '01…285 and

75. I was starting to feel like I was growing up all over again, but this time as a woman. And that

I'm getting to be a big girl now…just bought an 18 hour bra and a new camisole for the banquet on

Monday. (If I am going to wear a bra that long, it might as well be a good one! J) I am sort of looking

forward to this-along with all of this, I'll be in a pair of knee-hi hose, perfume, lipstick, and my long-

sleeve Casual Corner Ensemble and Sag Harbor blazer.

In short-any more feminine, and I'd need my wig!

There's only one problem when you lose weight: Your sizes go down. (Okay, okay…that can be a good

thing, too.) But when you are buying stuff off the web, it can be a little…well, embarrassing. For

Well! Some days are okay, and some are better. Got my new top on Monday from Crossing Pointe…and

it was too big! (This is kind of a good news/bad news thing…) I've lost enough weight (a good thing),

but as a result my boobs hung out of the top! (Not a good thing.) Sensual is one thing…but a slut…! J

I also found some pages on the web about not transitioning. That is unique. To not transition is

okay! It had some sound advice, and I will more than likely take it. As for the top…I've returned it for

There are so many things I want to do. I want to be open and just relax. It won't happen that I can

see…I mean , I'd love to walk around freely in this top that I am exchanging. At the same time, I am

just as comfortable in doing what I have going now, but would love to expand on it some. I don't like

hiding my dysphoria-but…I want out of debt, I like to eat, and as much as I beef about her, the S.O.

is a very special person to me. Given our relationship status, I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't suffer

Not more than a few days later, I discovered that Cover Girl makes a clear gel-like mascara. I also

came clean to the S.O. about being Gender Dysphoric (on Mother's Day, appropriately enough). I don't

think she got it then, and am convinced she does not fully understand the ramifications and

Unfortunately, even doing little things can get you read in certain situations. I was read at a

gathering the 10th (My boobs were sticking way out that evening, thus my bra showed up a little too

obviously) and after some discussion, the S.O. and I decided we needed to approach the pastoral staff

where my male self is ordained. Easy to say…tough to do, because I knew that this could possibly cost

Got blessed AND dodged a big bullet today. Went before the pastors and explained the bra thing. They

were very supportive (pardon the pun) of the whole mess, based on what was given them to assess…I will

have to be a bit drabber for the foreseeable future, but that's okay for right now.

"The foreseeable future" lasted…oh, about a week.

…I've learned how to curl-and comb-my eyelashes; I can now take full advantage of them. My boobs are

a little bigger, too-a nice asset for a girl to have! J…(I am) looking forward to seeing my friends soon.

We don't talk nearly enough…not much else to share right now…life's been good, and I'll leave it at that.

…I keep having these recurring fantasies about this trip…and that is most likely what they will be…

fantasies. Still…a girl never knows…! I have a bigger purse now-the S.O. helped pick it out for the trip.

It's already full of ~~junk~~ stuff I need to have.

You know, I'm so used to thinking of myself as a woman in a man's world (not body!) that very little

phases me about it anymore. This is a good thing, really-but there are times where I wish some man

would come along and take me away from all this! Which is not good, but hey-I'll take a fantasy any

My last entry for June is basically me being totally femme at work…on a Saturday: trying to juggle 6

different work responsibilities, 4 different home responsibilities, 3 different church responsibilities,

4 different chorus responsibilities…and trying not to jiggle too much as I do so. (The herbals are doing

what they are supposed to. Thus, I very nearly totally fill my 36c's…not just "almost". In point of fact,

there are men looking at my t-shirts more than they look at my S.O.'s as we walk down the street.)