They're HERE! It really is the Premarin. I rip open the mailer bag, open the box
and look. Sure enough, the tablets really have arrived.
So has the moment of truth.
If I take these, I start down a new, exciting, but very long road. If I don't…well, I don't really
want to think about thatright now. Day one is marked "Monday". If I am going to start, today
is the day. At this point, I am 6 ½ days from my last herbals. They will probably continue to
flush out over the next month. I could start January 5th, and really be pretty well clear of
them….ICK! Information overload. Go to your office, girl, and get a grip.
I drive to my office, the excitement slowly dying down. So many thoughts, so many images
of what might be…what has been…wow. So many emotions are flooding over me right now.
Once in my office, I close and lock my door. Then I go online, and check one last time with
WebMD (No, my doc IS NOT WebMD!). There is some concern with problems with my seizure
meds. I check under the med…and it warns me that the effectiveness may be decreased for
Birth Control pills or other hormones. I smile; since I am not worried about getting pregnant
anytime soon, I make a note to simply double the dosage next time (which was the plan anyway).
I open the box and pull out a blister pack. 28 days, all lined up like little soldiers. I pop Monday
out, replace the box, and put the blister pack in my purse. I set the tablet down on my desk.
Nature is calling me a lot stronger than this. I go, and return. There it is, sitting innocently on
my desk, right in front of the leftover Diet Coke from my "bad girl" breakfast this morning.
I look at it, go to pick it up. And stop. Maybe I should put on my makeup first. This is a
momentous decision, a momentous day. A girl really ought to look her best…I suddenly
stop. If I don't pick up the thing and take it right this minute, there will always be an excuse
not to take it.
I pick up the blood red tablet, pick up the Diet Coke, pop the thing in my mouth…
…and swallow it. Then chase it with a hit off the Diet Coke. It is 8:45 AM, CST.
I smile and resist the urge to start singing, "We're off to see the Wizard…".
A very long road, indeed.
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
Moving Forward
December 16, 2003 (Day 2)
Dear Diary:
I am not sure what-if anything-I expected to feel at this point. Other than slightly relaxed, there haven't been any magical changes.
I don't suddenly have 40DD boobs, long hair, a new personality, or drop-dead gorgeous looks. I didn't actually expect any of that,
but I guess I expected to feel and think somehow more different than I do. Then I remind myself with a wry smile…I already think
like a woman. That will intensify over time, I am sure. The feelings are there, but not as pronounced. Those will come back, too.
I have buried too many of them too long because it was the guy thing to do. Now that I am pursuing things differently, I want to go
back to being more emotional. I am far more comfortable that way.
I think my problem is that I want results…NOW. It takes time, I know-6 months minimum, and up to two years, and I will probably
be on this stuff the rest of my life should I choose to be. Which is okay with me so far.
I have been working at walking and sitting more like a woman. It is actually good exercise to sit with my knees closer together; it
is kinda pulling on my thigh muscles. I need to work on voice more, but will have to do that in fits and spurts. As a vocalist, I
understand the how of this, but it is the timbre that is throwing me a little.
Took a look at some of my goals for next year, and did some revising. It would be nice to have the male credit card debts paid off
(patience, luv-just another two years and they'll be gone) so I could stick more in savings. As it is, I only have about 12% of what
I would need for the first bit of time should my SO and I decide to part ways. Also, I am on track to be at my target weight by next
summer. This is good.
Have to run-
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
December 18, 2003 (Day 4)
Dear Diary:
So far, so good. I seem to be tolerating the Premarin well to this point, but there are some busy times ahead and so the next 7
days will be a pretty good test of how well this is working. I seem to have settled into the routine of taking the tablet in the 8 am
window, and so that will be the case for the next 6 months. Starting with round three, I will either start taking one tab at 8 and
the other about 5 pm, or if I seem to be tolerating it well still, may take both tabs (at that point, about 1.875 mg/day) at 8 am. I
will just have to see. I have determined that unless I have some reactions to this, I will continue until June. At that point, I am
pretty well committed, and I am okay with that for the time being.
Emotionally, I am holding my own right now. I find I am tired, but part of that is the season, part of it the very cold, rather gloomy
weather, and part of it is work in general. (I grew up in California, so bear in mind that anything under 55 degrees is cold…and
temps under 40 are frigid.) Yoga and aromatherapy helps some, but what I really need is a good week's sleep.
Sent off the last of the Christmas gifts today…Phyliss-Marie, I hope you get your box in time! J Now all I have to do is get one
last stocking stuffer for the SO, and I'm done. Which is good, because the weekend is shot doing the church's annual Christmas
thing…Tech rehearsal tomorrow night at 5:30, Dress rehearsal Saturday Morning at 9 am, and three services on Sunday. Then a
service Tuesday the 23rd, and the final service on Christmas Eve at 5. Plus work, housekeeping, etc. on top of it all…ho, ho, ho.
Small wonder that Little Miss Mercury's so tired-she's never home! (Hey…somebody wanna cue the theme from "Wonder Woman"
for me?)
Such is life. Life is good, but when did it get so blooming crazy?
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
December 22, 2003 (Day 8)
Dear Diary:
The passing of two milestones: One, I have pitched the last of the Boob Mud. It did its job, but now is the time to make it go. Two, it has been one full week on
the hormones. This is basically so far, so good. I am sleeping better than I have since puberty, and find I have more clarity of thought than I ever have. There is a
certain calmness that has not been there for many years as well. This is working better than I thought it might. I am a happy woman.
I got through the weekend, now all I have to do is hang on until noon on Wednesday, and then I have a few days around the holiday to slow down and rest. I'm looking
forward to it!
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
December 24, 2003 (Day 10)
Dear Diary:
Not much new news to report today. Life continues to slow down now, and I find not only am I much calmer than a month ago, but I am handling things better than I
have in quite awhile. This leads me to think I should have done this much sooner than I did. 20 days ago I placed the order, and life seems so different now. (Nice
benefit to being calmer-I am actually more productive.)
Merry Christmas to all-
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
January 1, 2004 (Day 18)
Dear Diary:
A new year has dawned. I am feeling really good about the year to come, and find that I am greatly relieved that the year that was is over. So glad, in fact, I enjoyed a glass of wine with dinner last night. (You have to understand: I am not a big drinker. Part of that is due to the anti-seizure meds I'm on. Part of it…is that I don't always appreciate the taste-or lack thereof-of alcohol.)
The hormones continue to do their job; I am more calm and at peace than I have been in years. And with the stress of the last month as a benchmark, that's pretty good!
It will be interesting to see what this year brings! Hopefully, peace, prosperity, a move home and moving closer to becoming the woman I should be.
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
January 6, 2004 (Day 23)
Dear Diary:
Wow. I am almost done with the first month of Premarin, and I really have no words to describe the feeling. My weight is down (because I am not eating under stress now), I am sleeping so much better (though I still use a concealer every day to hide the dark rings around my eyes), and I feel more feminine than I ever have. I know it is too early to show any real difference, especially given the dosage level, but I swear my bras are fitting just a shade better. Not that they were ill fitting to start with, but there isn't quite the…"in-between" feeling that they used to have. I know my bras haven't shrunk; they line dry to avoid shrinkage!
Between the hormones and the yoga, I find I have an inner peace I've not felt since I was a teenage girl. I also have rediscovered an inner strength I've not seen in a few years as well. This should serve me well in the months to come, especially as we look to move to the west coast this summer.
However, I am still more than a tad disorganized, and I now have the pics to finish the 3rd edition of "The Weekend Woman." I am going to have some serious revising to do; some of the stuff that is in there is now out of date thanks to Uncle Sam. Hopefully, I can get that done soon, so I can finish the Inspirations book, and two short stories.
Finally, I am glad to be past the holiday season. I really do love Christmastime, but the schedule I keep in December is enough to drive a girl crazy. Hmmm…come to think of it, for me, crazy is a short trip to start with.
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
January 11, 2004 (Day 28)
Dear Diary:
I have finally finished the first packet of the Premarin. It feels pretty good, and so I will be ordering soon the next step: 6 months at
1.25 mg. I will order another 3 months at .625 mg in April or May; that will allow me to start taking 1.875 mg in June or July. I guess
any fears, questions, or doubts have pretty much been erased. I am really excited and yet, really calm about all this. It feels so
right, so normal, like I should have done this years ago. I am so totally at peace with myself, and it shows.
This is one of the most interesting time of my life, in terms of my femininity.Y I love being a woman! Y
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
January 19, 2004 (Day 36)
Dear Diary:
I wish I could capture in words the feelings, the moods, the experiences I am having. It isn't a lack of words--it's a lack of time.
I am looking forward to going home to visit the folks for a few days; if they think things are interesting now, wait 'till this summer! J
The issue right now is that we just launched a new totally online distance ed program, and I am in charge, and there's about a
hundred things we didn't consider before rollout. It takes a woman's touch to do what I do somedays; the average man would have
lost his cool, his head, or his job by now.
Speaking of which, I find as time goes by I have slightly less interest in women, except what they wear, and a slight increase in
men. I won't go there much right now, except to say I have to be really careful. The last thing I want or need right now is some
stupid disease. I don't have time for treatment!
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
January 22, 2004 (Day 39)
Dear Diary:
It's cold outside today. I don't mean chilly--I mean it is downright cold. As in 16 degrees above, with windchill to 10 degrees
above. The kind of cold that tears through you. I seem more aware of the cold than I was last year, and I am also more aware
of something else. Scents, both good and bad. I am more aware of the scent of things lately, and I don't know if this is part
of the hormones or not.
I am also more in tune with my body of late. I have more of a sense of every joint, all of my skin...it is a very alive feeling,
even when everything hurts. Yoga has been more of a treat this way, as has a few other things. I also notice that I am having
ssomewhat wider shifts in my moods. When I am happy, I'm really happy. When I am b*tchy, I am really b*tchy. Not just my
moods, but my energy. When I am tired, I'm really tired, and when I am moving on all cylinders, I get a lot done. And when I
have a climax...well, I won't go there.
Got to go--want to get this posted tonight.
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
February 1, 2004 (Day 49)
Dear Diary:
This is a strange feeling. I am home--in the Bay Area--celebrating my parent's 50th anniversary. I am home...if only for
the weekend. I am being treated like nothing is any different; even my Mom finds it normal (and somewhat amusing)
when I say there isn't room for two queens in my marriage right now. I think they know more than they let on. It is good
to be here--alone, without the S.O.--and so I am much more free to talk to family. I miss being here, yet I know I need
to go back...especially since I suspect I have gained some weight while here!
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
February 5, 2004 (Day 53)
Dear Diary:
Saw a special on Discovery Health tonight about "Transgender Teens." This engendered some conversation between
the S.O. and I about what it is to be Transgendered. She finally admitted that she doesn't like it when I have makeup on
--sometimes--but is okay with bras and panties (go fig). She is mostly worried about being left alone. This may be why
she is pushing so hard to move back to the west coast. I did manage to reassure her that I am not in this for sex, nor is
this a sexually charged thing for me. In fact, since I started the Premarin, it has been easier to keep my hormones in
check! She also wondereed if there was something she could/should be doing to get her "man" back. I told her to relax,
that this wasn't about her. I wonder if she really heard that?
I have lost the three pounds I gained in four days from my trip. I knew I had picked up a few pounds!
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
February 7, 2004 (Day 55)
Dear Diary:
Some days, I have all this energy Today, I feel lazy. Was it really only a week ago I was home? So much has happened,
and yet, nothing has happened. The S.O. carries on like Thursday never happened, and she chalked it up to starting
"that time" of the month. She is gone to an all-day meeting, which gives me some time to get some stuff done around
here. Since I do most of the housework, she really let things go last weekend. So I now have two weeks of laundry to
do, plus clean the bathrooms, kitchen, etc. I swear she is more male then ever!
Tomorrow ends the second 28 day cycle. I have 28 more days at this dosage, then I start another 84 day cycle, but at
1.25 mg/day. I'd like to start now, but feel another 28 days at my current dosage is wise. I already have a six month
supply at the new dosage, and will order another three month's supply at .625 mg/day about day 130-135 or so. That
will carry me through day 252, and a dosage level of 1.875 mg/day. In short--I am now committed to seeing this through.
This is a big step for me, and I take it willingly.
Well--with so much to do, I'd better post this and get to work!
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
February 25, 2004 (Day 73)
Dear Diary:
Just got back from Colorado Springs. Since I was there largely to transact some business and spend some time with
the SO, I didn't really do much totally en femme. Makeup daily, and a little shopping as Mina, but I pretty much was
in drab mode. Still, I did have fun, and got some new bead designs, as well as some ideas for the website. We'll have
to see where that goes...!
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
March 8, 2004 (Day 85)
Dear Diary:
So, today the dosage doubles. I take out the first tablet. It's twice the size of the old one, and..and...
...and it is mustard yellow and ugly as a mud hut.
That didn't stop me, though. Down it went with little fanfare. We'll see what happens next. I am a little excited, but I
now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is really right for me.
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
March 10, 2004 (Day 87)
Dear Diary:
Okay, I am staring to wonder what's going on. I am starting to crave sushi/sashimi in great quantity. Like, I want it
not just for lunch, but dinner, too. That's expensive, even from Schnuck's sushimasa. What do I need in my system?
Or, is it stress related? OR, could it be something subconscious due to the knowledge that Haru is just around the
corner, and that means it is time for hanami, or Cherry Blossom viewing time?
Or, is it just that I have a craving for raw fish?
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
March 16, 2004 (Day 93)
Dear Diary:
Where do I start? Can I start?
**sigh**
The hormones are fine. It's the rest of my life that's outta whack. I'm in a mode right now where I just want to run off and
live as a woman. This weekend, I have to sort through my wardrobe and unload about a third of it--stuff that doesn't fit, I
won't wear (or shouldn't), etc. I'm not really looking forward to it, but it must be done, if we are going to move soon.
Work is okay, but the new program is causing me more grief than it's worth. So what else is new? J
And I have had raw fish for at least one meal a day, for almost two week span. I'm losing weight, at least. (I'm going broke
doing it, but I'm losing weight.)
Well...my femme jeans are fitting better in all the right places, as are my bras. Not much, but a little. Makes me wonder.
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
March 20, 2004 (Day 97)
Dear Diary:
Goddess, I'm sick.
I'm not supposed to be sick; I'm supposed to go out tonight, and I'm supposed to be living totally en femme this weekend.
At least I get that much…I'm living in my kimono/chemise combo. But it is so hard to take a deep breath, and the last
thing I want is to go to a smoke-filled dance club and try to find me a boy-toy. (Although there is a part of me that would
quite cheerfully infect one if I could…!) But I think what I am coughing up would be a turn-off, and I don't think any amount
of makeup will make me look good tonight. So home I will stay, like a good girl, and try to rest.
I went through my wardrobe this morning. I got rid of about a third of it, most of which was too small when I got it. Sent it
off to Phyliss for her secondhand shop. I sure hope she can sell some of it! This wasn't a purge in the sense of "I have to
get rid of this or I'm doomed." It's more like "I don't want to have to move this when that time comes." And I suspect it is
coming all too soon. It was all I could do to get 38 pounds of clothing downstairs and into the Princess Flyer.
I think I'll go take a nap now….
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
March 23, 2004 (Day 100)
Dear Diary:
I told you I was sick! I'm on antibiotics for this stupid bug. I'm also back in the office, having taken most of yesterday off.
So this is day 100. Wow. I wondered at the start of this if I'd really get this far, and now…here I am, watching measurements,
checking things, and generally happy with how I feel. I do have some issues with depression, but that can be attributed to
both SAD and the mold count. Otherwise, I am healthy enough-stupid bug not withstanding. There has been some discussion
with the doc yesterday about possibly starting on Spironolactone, but he wants to hold off on that until the end of this run of
Premarin, at day 168. Which will be Sunday, May 30th. I am not sure I want to wait that long, because that will put me three
weeks out from one of the most stressful events of my year: Graduation. We will have just about 100 students…and that is
no time to be starting a new type of messing around with my body.
Still…there's no hurry to this; I have waited this long, so I can afford to be patient. J
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
March 27, 2004 (Day 104)
Dear Diary:
Today was the Small Chorus Contest for the Cardinal District, SPEBSQSA. I went with the guys to compete; and found I had
not only the most even makeup job (we were all under stage lighting and so needed makeup or we would look ill) but that I had
the best makeup kit going. All Shiseido, and a lot of comments (all positive). One of the guys even mentioned that it looked
like I'd had some practice applying said makeup (duh).
We didn't do so well, but that's okay. We had fun, and that was the important thing. That, and being able to wear full makeup
in public. It felt sooooo good!
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
March 30, 2004 (Day 107)
Dear Diary:
This weekend, I will hit the end of month 4. I will also have started a new month, and that means measurement time (again).
Part of the process of this hormone thing is checking progress every month and at the end of each cycle of pills. They will
be close enough together this time to do both measurements on the same day. (Otherwise, I'd have to do one Thursday
morning and then again on Monday.) Not a lot of changes yet, but I am still at a fairly low dosage per day. I expect that to
change by the start of the third cycle of pills (that is, day 169 and forward, when I start in at 1.875 mg/day).
My eating habit change is paying off: last trip to the doc my weight was down 5 lbs from last visit (his scale lies anyway, as
do most scales) and my blood pressure was 120/77. For me, that is good. What have I done? Simple-eaten more like the
Japanese girl I claim to sort of be. This means Miso for breakfast, rice and chicken or sushi for lunch, and whatever for dinner-
lots of tea, and low snacking if any at all. Plus nearly an hour of Yoga a day, 4-5 days a week.
It's a gloomy day outside. It has been raining off and on, and it matches my mood…kinda gray. But then, you can't be
cheerful and upbeat all the time! Oh, well…Gotta go. I want to post this, a new article, and I must cook dinner tonight, plus
do some laundry AND empty the cat boxes.
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
In the time between March 30 and April 26, a lot of stuff happened. Much of Early April is covered in "On An Averted Tragedy"
and so I won't get into it here. Let's just say it was a blur...and leave it there.
April 28, 2004 (Day 136)
Dear Diary:
I love being a woman--especially when I can walk into a store and buy $172 of makeup and and the girl behind the counter not
only gives me samples but some tips and tricks as well! The seminar I am down in Pensacola for is going well thus far, and
I am relaxing a little and having fun. I may even get a chance to work on my tan, if the weather cooperates!
Not that this is all fun and games--I have to teach tomorrow, the SO is in the class (meaning she is with me on this little
soiree), and my boss may sit in on the session as well. But with a lot of new makeup, I feel good enough to take on the world!
I also remember why I both like and dislike the Gulf Coast. If I had a little more time, I'd go swimsuit shopping. I like that. I have
also eaten way too much of the local delicacies...which means I won't look as good in a swimsuit. **sigh**
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
May 12, 2004 (Day 150)
Dear Diary:
Life is okay at this point. I am in the last set of this dosage, and will be increasing the amount I take early next month by
half as much as now. I am seeing some little changes, but expect by summer's end to see some more pronounced
changes. As an example, I have a touch more cleavage showing. Not much, but enough to notice on my frame. I also am
dealing okay with certain things, but find I am low on momentum and energy in general. I have a very stressed feeling.
This is due in part to actual stress, allergies, etc. The other part is that I have too much to do, no help at all, and just find
myself in need to some down time where I am not working. I know--fat chance of that until the end of June.
Even Wonder Woman gets help every so often!
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
May 25, 2004 (Day 163)
Dear Diary:
Not much new to post here today, other than I am still back and forth on the Spiro question. I think I will pass on it for now
as I really am not sure that it is the right thing for me to do here. On the other hand, I could start off with a really low dose....
I am also having to find a new doc; mine has up and moved out of town. Which stinks, as now I have to break in a new doc
and get him/her trained. Couldn't happen at a worse time, either. As usual at this time of year, I am so busy doing the things
that need be done that I don't have time to do new things, things worth reading about, or things that are even remotely
interesting.
"That's life...that what people say,
ridin' high in April, shot down in May.
But I know I'm gonna change that tune,
When I'm back on top in June...."
(From "That's Life", Words & Music by Dean Kay & Kelly Gordon. Used without permission.)
Luv `n hugs always,
Mina
And that's where this ends. Time to set up a new set of diary pages!
