The most often asked question in a philosophy class is, “Why?” The prof usually does not accept the answer “Why not?”, and this is designed to get students to
think. It's been the philosophical question for centuries.
It's also probably the one major question that crops up on Sakuramina.com's e-mail. As in, “Why are you doing the Transsexual thing?”
What these people are really asking is, “Why do you do what you do, in the manner in which you do it?”
First of all, let me say one thing: One does not “do” Transsexuality. Ether you are transsexual-or you're not. You can't choose it; it chooses you. (If you choose this,
then you are more likely Transgender, which is quite all right. Transsexuality sort of sneaks up behind and grabs you; you don't really go in search of it.)
I have thought long-like years!-and hard on this. Part of the answer lies deep in the hardwiring that makes me all that I am-that is, that which makes me uniquely Minako
Sakura. That part will have to be figured out by those fine people who study that kind of stuff; I am quite sure that somewhere in that combination of my cerebral cortex,
hormonal ebb and flow, and things like DNA and all that will lie a part of the answer.
But it just doesn't explain all of the why-just a part of it.
There was/is some sort of cognitive mental assent to doing the things that make me who I am. I mean, I have said before that most people don't just wake up one morning
and decide, “Today I am going to start wearing a bra and panties” without something else deep inside triggering that line of thought. You don't wake up one morning (as an
adult, at least) and suddenly decide to start dressing like a woman, shaving your armpits and/or your legs (or epilating them! J ), wearing makeup, walking around with
breastforms or pushup pads, etc. without some sort of need/want/desire buried somewhere inside. In short-there needs to be some sort of internal cue or cues. If you're a
cross-dresser, there is usually (but not always!) some sort of external need; it may be sexual in nature-it may not; it may well be some other need.
But Transsexuality…that's an internal thing. You feel like you need…no, you must!-express your feminine side, as much as realistically possible. That's why we do things
like take hormones, take greater pains to look, sound and even smell (think perfume and pheromones here) as feminine as possible. It's why we don't wear full makeup
and a ball gown to do housework; we wear feminine casual clothing and light makeup. It's why we try to blend in as best we can in the real world, and not try to outdo
Genetic Girls when we go to the mall or the grocery store.
In short-we want to live as normal women. (Or at least, as close to normal womanhood-whatever that means!-as possible.)
I'm not going to get into the SRS/GRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery/Genital Reassignment Surgery) debate here; I suspect there are far more of us that live as
women without that than there are those who want it or have it.
But what I am saying here is that, somewhere deep inside, there was/is some sort of need to cease being male, and become the woman I have. Outside of that, I have
no answers. Yet.
So in the case, the answer to the question of “Why?” is, “I don't know for sure.” And that's okay too. It's okay to not have all the answers.
But I do know this much. I can't just go back to the “who” I was before I finally figured out my Transsexuality. That person simply doesn't exist anymore.
