Homecoming and Homegoing

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Homecoming and Homegoing (January-December 2008)

2008 started off where 2007 left off. In March, the SO's parents announced they wanted to sell the house we all are living in...and asked we move out by November

at the latest. Nothing like adding more stress to life, right?

The SO is still working as a temp, part time. I'm still living as Mina, as I can. I want us to move out, and soon. All the time I haven't been writing, I've continued to live

as Mina. That never stopped, and I want to go on record as such.

And then, just as things finally start to settle down, the e-mails I've been getting complaining about Sakuramina.com's demise reached critical mass...and so:

…what do you mean, the most recent website edition dates from middle 2006? Oh, come on…there's gotta be more than this! What'd you do, Wonder Woman-put it all

on a pindrive then delete it or what? Way to go, Girl Genius!

Well…load what you've got and throw the switch. There it goes…And just like that, Sakuramina.com is back online.

Geez, it looks dusty in here, and I know there's stuff from 2007, such as I had time to write…I hope I find it, because there's a lot of stuff from later 2006 and early 2007

It makes the Imperial Princess look like an idiot.

Work on the website has hit a snag. I really have one hope left, and that is the Internet Archive. If I can't get in there…that's it. We start where we left off.

Bought a new pair of slacks today; a pair of Columbia slacks that fit my curves well. Though I admit to needing to lose a few pounds, I still like how I look--

We finally hit the mother lode. The Wayback machine finally coughed up enough of the archived website that I can pretty much put it back the way it was. (The

Wayback machine is fun, when it works. Check it out here. Oh, there'll be a few pages that get shifted around, but considering what I found, I'm just glad to get it back.

Now, all I have to do is get everything put back online, and we'll be just fine. Then I have to start adding more to it. It looks like there isn't much after March of 2007.

Which is about when things really started going berserk. I'll write some of that up in a catch-all in the 2007 diary.

Meantime, I have some other items to tend to. I'll write more later…I promise!

Last night, I had a whole night to myself. The SO was out of town, so I spent my night in full bore Mina mode. I've had the girls in all day yesterday and today, makeup,

spa time, fixed the website to where I remember it being, and slept in a nightie...with the girls in place.

That was a first for me. While my boobs are there, having the girls in place (attached by a rather strong adhesive) gave me the feeling of having full boobs. (It also did

wonders for the look of said nightie, I'll tell you!)

It was the best night's sleep I've had in months. Oh, a couple of times I woke up and found I was feeling them, but they were there and stayed put all night.

Woke up, had some "little girl" time (ok, I watched an episode of Penelope Pitstop), did an extended yoga time in athletic bra and panties, then did my makeup and had

This afternoon promises to be as good. I know I need lots more time like this!

Whew! So much getting done, I haven't had time to write.

The major website fixes are done; now it's just little picky stuff that I know I'll find.

I got a new wig last Friday; the other two have gotten pretty worn. This one's short, brunette, and I like the flip in back. No pictures until I lose a few more pounds,

though…that's a long story, but suffice it to say we got a digital scale in January…and I gained nine pounds in less than seven minutes.

Let me tell you sometime about how bad that hurt. No… let me tell you sometime about how bad that sucks.

Speaking of hurt, I also got a new epilator last week. The old one just up and quit on me, and so I had to go get a new one. It doesn't make any difference…the

blasted thing still rips everything in sight to little bits of Mina-fuzz. And I still can't use the thing under my arms.

I'm having trouble coming up with article ideas. Nothing new there, except I want to be writing something new. Time for a brainstorming session, I guess.

Hmmm…my hormones arrived today. Always glad to have that in stock; I hate running short-or worse, running out. Had to sign for them; I did so with no questions

We are moving out from the SO's family home, and into an apartment, if all goes well. If includes that we pass the background and credit check.

Oh, sure. There's a lot to do, and of course, no time to do it in…but, we'll manage.

How does this affect me as Mina? Well, I'll be paying the bulk of rent in my male name, so if/when the time comes and the SO and I part ways, I can

get a smaller place on my own with little trouble.

Life is a little too exciting right now… there'll more later on, I am sure. Right now, I just need to get myself together. This is a big step; we haven't had to pay

rent in ten-plus years. Right out of school I had a parsonage, and after that, the SO had an apartment as part of her package, then it's been here with the SO's

Goodness, I've lost all the weekends, and large chunks of month just seem to have vanished. Between work, Barbershop/Sweet Adelines, camping, a trip to

my girlhood home, planning shows, planning a move, writing another book, and trying to keep up with a Ph.D program….

And June doesn't look much better, except we'll have a place of my own to live, and not just the bedroom/office. (Oh, yes. We passed the background and credit

checks with flying colors.) The SO is excited too, when I see her. She's busier than I am. Still, there are boxes everywhere, the SO's mom is all kinds of busy

helping pack our ~~junk~~ stuff, and it's a good thing I'm on hormones or I'd be crazy by now.

Last night, I had another whole night to myself. The SO was out of town again, so I spent my night in full bore Mina mode. I've had the girls in all day yesterday

and today, fixed and added some things to the website, and slept in my nightie with the girls in place, held down with adhesives and feeling like they were real.

It was exactly what I needed. I sleep better as a woman, I think. Something about having boobs to help keep my nightie in place, and while mine are getting there,

Woke up, enjoyed some "little girl" time (another episode of Penelope Pitstop), did my yoga, then did my makeup and had breakfast--Special K with some agave.

I'm going the right way on the scale right now, and so don't want to push my luck.

I know I need lots more time like this; after the move I'll have a certain amount of it. Now all I have to do is survive the move.

We've mostly settled into the apartment now; I spend almost all day in full-bore Mina mode. I love it! I wish we could have moved out two years ago; how different

I've managed to catch up all the writing I need to do; now it's keeping on track, adding pictures as I take them, fixing a few links, finishing up the re-write of the one

short story so I can release my fiction book, and starting a new “Travel” section-and I'm not telling where until right before we leave!-the website's looking pretty good.

Summer is rushing by so fast, but even so I am finding time to do all the things I like to do. I have to, as fall will be here soon, then winter…

But living this way is so good, so right, so…normal. This is how things should have always been. I love being a woman, and would not trade this life right now

And just when I thought I had everything settled, all hell breaks loose.

Monday I got word that my salary has been cut by 60%. Today my folks got rear-ended AND my very best friend is losing his job in the next 60 days, meaning he'll

have to move elsewhere like to another state. Seems the local chip making plant (Hynix) is closing their doors.

Which means when I return from the Midwest (I am attending the same kind of seminars as I did in 1998, 2000, and 2006), I will have to really get cranking to

find work. I have already registered with Kelly Services (Yes, now I am officially a Kelly Girl!) and will have to update with Office Team once I am back in town.

This seems so unfair. Not just from the Mina standpoint; but I really don't want to lose the apartment. I really like it here….

(To go back to "On Finding New Employment," click here.)

I'm back from the Midwest. I spent my evenings while out there discussing the finer points of the TS world to a friend who needed some advice and info. (No, he's not

looking to be TG/TS-he's an admirer.) Hopefully, he'll take the advice, and read some of the website as well. He's a great guy and I wish him and his friend well. (And in

fact, if he hadn't been taken, I'dve made more than a few coy passes at him.)

Nothing new on the work front. I am trying hard to not panic, but the area has been so hard hit with layoffs, and since the feds have cut timber payments city and county

government are reeling as well…I'm not sure what will happen. I do know this much: I have an opportunity to get some breathing room…about 60 to 90 days worth. I am

going to take it, and pray all gets somewhat better sooner than later.

Because we can't go back to where we were before. It'd kill us both, the SO and I.

Still nothing new on the work front. I have some breathing room now, but I really can't dawdle around hoping that something good will happen. I'm checking online

references, I'm now with three temp agencies, and I just know that something's out there.

Meantime, I'm enjoying being Mina all day while I can. No sense in wasting opportunities while I have them. And it makes me wonder…what will life be like if/when

I have to re-enter the workplace, with real people I have to interact with?

Can't dwell on that right now. I've got to find that place first.

Meantime, the SO looks like she might get hired, and my best friend is working about two hours north of here for now. Hopefully, he'll get to stay there, and get

offered a relocation package. So things are looking up a bit.

And just when I thought I had everything settled into a new routine, all hell breaks loose again.

I'm still seeking part to full time temp or perm work. If I hear the words, “Gee…you have an unusual skill set" one more time I am going to do something most

unladylike…hurl on the nice interviewer's shoes! I wasted two hours going through a crapload of tests, only to find out that the agency I was trying to get into really

only handles light industrial, and they're really looking for big, brawny types.

At 5', 9.5” (ish) and somewhere around 180 pounds (goddess, how I hate the digital scale), brawny has never really been used to describe me.

To add to the lack of income blues, I got a little love letter from the Oregon Department of Revenue. Seems a little mistake on my state tax form ended up costing me

$1500 in back taxes, due ASAP. Not sure where that amount is going to come from; I have about $700 in savings and rent due the end of August.

And that's not all, kids-I got a message last night from The Momma...Daddy's been admitted to the hospital. I don't know as of this minute what's wrong other than

his blood count's way down, his potassium's way up, and apparently he's had some internal bleeding. Not good for a diabetic. What the practical upshot will be is

this: I may be making a very sudden trip south, for up to a week or so. Since I'm not working, it's not like I'd be losing any income. On the other hand, I can't accept

anything that comes up if I'm at the girlhood home.

Meantime, the SO has gotten hired, pending background stuff which she should pass no sweat, and my best friend is working about two hours north of here for like the

next 9-12 months. Hopefully, he'll stay there (he's thinking of moving within the company anyway), and get offered a relocation package. So things are looking up a bit,

Still...I could do without some of the hellishness my life is right now.

Daddy passed away tonight, about 6:15ish or so. I don't ever want to forget this afternoon, so I am writing things down while I can still recall them. Here's what this

afternoon looked like, reconstructed from my cell phone logs. All times are PM:

2:28 The Momma called-Dad isn't doing well, passed out in bathroom in hospital, could I come

down for a few days. I said I would leave first thing tomorrow.

2:32 Called Big Sis-let her know what's going on, left message.

2:34 Called Middle Sis, likewise left message.

2:36 Called the SO, discussed the situation, said I am leaving for home tomorrow morning.

2:51 Called my one assistant director, left message, said I'm not going to be there tonight.

2:57 Assistant director called back, said go-bless her heart!

3:09 Big Sis called back, asked for further details, said she'd leave as soon as reasonable.

3:30 Picked up SO, dropped her off at our apartment, and gets car looked at while I get suitcase

4:11 Called an old friend to let her know I'm heading for home and why.

4:16 The Momma called-better come tonight, it's not looking good.

4:18 Called the SO, left a message stating I'm leaving TONIGHT.

4:25 SO called-car needs new tires and rear alignment

5:38 The Momma called-it doesn't look like he's going to make it.

5:40 called SO's brother, left a message there and updated him.

5:44 Called very best friend -gave him a further update.

5:47 SO called, car in alignment now...and get her suitcase as well.

5:50 Back on road to storage shed to get SO's suitcase.

6:20 The Momma called, as I am coming up the stairs from checking the last minute laundry-Don't hurry...we lost him.

And just like that, the one man I looked up to, looked to for advice, argued with (and lost) while a teenager and did many things from soaking at White Sulphur

Springs to sharing Barbershop Internationals with, the man I looked up to more than I ever knew or wanted to admit to...was gone.

At 6:26 I called my very best friend, and told him of the loss. He was pretty badly shaken.

We left for home at 7, and made calls enroute. Stopped at the Best Western in Redding, CA at midnite-having allowed the SO to talk some sense into me; we

were still three hours from home and there really was no sense in rushing.

On the one hand…I wouldn't want him back; he is free of pain for the first time in what, 30 years?

On the other hand…I'll miss him, more than I thought.

Today I saw Daddy for the last time. We went to the morgue at the hospital-which was NOT standard operating procedure, by the way-to see him as he was

due for cremation. I wanted to shake his body and tell him “C'mon, the joke's not funny and it's over, get up.”

Except I knew better. Daddy was a sound sleeper and liked it cold, but the chiller was cold even by his standards.

Big Sis said he looked better there then he had the night before; she'd seen him in his room after the attempts to save his life failed. Middle Sis was sobbing, her

husband had tears in his eyes, having lost his father some time back.

I was crying as well, and my SO was not far behind. The Momma-bless her-was crying off and on. She was trying to be a rock for us kids.

I really don't have anything else to say right now.

The next week is a blur. Some things are personal, and will always be so, and some things I just can't place a day or date for. I remember spending that Sunday

dealing with Daddy's medals, finding a display case for them and starting to mount them. Tuesday I went to a meeting of my first Barbershop chorus; they were

gracious and a quartet volunteered to sing at the memorial service. I think it was Wednesday when I was finally able to take some Mina pictures in my girlhood

bedroom. (They're terrible-I have no makeup on!-but they're posted here.) Thursday we went to pick up the death certificates; the guys moving stuff into the building

held doors for us all (my aunt went with the SO, The Momma and I) and referred to us all as ladies-both coming in and walking out. That was nice for me that day.

I had the less than enviable task of doing the legwork for the church, setting up the memorial service, getting the pastor lined up, writing Daddy's obit…and

representing the family during the service on Saturday. This was one of those times when it was both a blessing and a curse to be the family pastor. (You can read

the text of what I said here, altered only to show my transsexual side. I would not have come out during his service, as that was not the time or place.) When we

left for home, Middle Sis and her hubby remained up for a week, so The Momma wasn't alone while she had to start tending to Daddy's bank stuff, insurance, and

I got a fulltime part-time job after I got home. And that brings me current to right now, except I am still dealing with the mental constipation that comes with the loss

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Frankly, the rest of the year was a bit blurry. September and October simply vanished. I can’t tell you what happened because I really just don’t remember a whole

lot of it. I worked, I came home, I went to bed.

We went to Hawai’i in November, which finally helped to break the fog up for me. The SO’s chorus (Pride of Portland) came in ninth overall. Not too bad, really. We all

needed the trip; The Momma joined us and we had a ball.

November also saw the addition of an iPod touch to my gadget collection, as well as a Mac. That’s right—my trusty Dell finally died a painful, heat-related death. (Pause

here for a moment of silence, if you would.) I was bright enough to save all the files beforehand. And after some soul searching, a lot of asking around, and more research

than I’ve done for a computer in ten years, I bought a MacBook. The 13.5” model, aluminum frame, OS X, etc. It’s nice. It’s not perfect--far from it!--but it is stable, will do

what I need it to do (Mostly--I did have to load Windows XP on it), and should still be running four or five years from now.

There’s a learning curve. I’m using Pages from iWork to write this, and it’s a bit different from MS Word, and I may end up replacing the wireless printer router as it doesn’t

play at all with Macs. (Since the printer sits right next to me, though, I can load the driver on the Windows side, use it there, and plug in the printer for the Mac side for now.)

My goal, however, was to use the Windows side for work only. However, I can’t load the website software into the Mac side, and I am not sure I want to use iWeb or not. So I

Thanksgiving was with the SO’s family, Christmas back home in California. Yes, we’ve survived the first Christmas without Daddy, and really, he would have had a ball. We

gathered as family at the house in Concord, and we celebrated Christmas. Nothing maudlin or sad. My brother in law proposed a wonderful toast.

We also went through some more of Daddy’s personal effects, and for those who know me, if you think I’m a packrat, I have nothing on him. We’re finding stuff none of us

knew he had, including a doctorate that wasn’t on his wall. New Year’s day saw the three of us watching football games and eating munchies.

And that’s where I draw the curtain on this section of Diary.