A New Time, A New Life

Build your own website on Tripod It's fast, easy and economical.

Share This Site More

A New Time, A New Life (November 2004-July 2005)

I figured now that I'm back out west, it's time to start a new diary section...!

Today I increased my dosage of Premarin to 3.125mg/day. I can't believe I'm there already! things are working out well, and I will order more soon.

This is getting expensive, but as the ad says, "I'm worth it!"

I have entered the 21st century, sort of. I have a wireless connection on my trusty HP, now if I can keep it from crashing both the Dad in law and

I can be online at the same time. All I need now is time to update the website, and if I can keep things from crashing-again-maybe I can really

Or not. This has now crashed three times today already…

I gave up today and got a new HP. It's sweet, and I can get the work I'm supposed to be doing done now. Of course, that means I have to

reload the website and program…which is a pain but needs to happen. It'll be nice to get things updated, finally. That is, if I can think

I feel a little old revisiting Winnie the Pooh, but instead of “Now We Are 6”, it's more like “Now We Are 40.”

Funny. If you had told me 20 years ago-heck, even 10 years ago-I'd be telecommuting, a published authoress, and all the rest, I'd have laughed

at you. Tonight, I am being taken to dinner at a nice Japanese restaurant. Friends and family will help me celebrate over a teppan table. I will get

some ribbing, and a few more gifts. But the one gift I like and will use was the Tinkerbell nightgown. It's lavender, and has Tink stitched on a front

handwarmer. Nice, fleecy, warm…and just my size.

Today marks the completion of year one on hormones. I suppose I ought to do something to celebrate. I know-Take more of them in the next year!

Growth is starting to show a bit more-a good thing. Emotions are pretty solid, and a noted loss of interest in sex. Not much, but the drive to lay

everything in sight has finally died down a bit. I guess that's a good thing....

Another way to tell that I'm home again: for the first time in years, I bought some incense. 3 different types-Sandalwood, Sapphire, and Kyo-zakura. I

still have to get a proper burner, and I may have to wait for a time before lighting any of it, but I am still glad I bought it.

I am slowly making the adjustments to being back out west; the job situation sucks big but at least I have a job of sorts, even if I have little communication

with live people. And I can eat fresh fish and it doesn't cost a small fortune. Japanese food, while not found in great abundance, is far more available than it

I'm home-really. Back in the home I grew up in. Spent the day in Nihonmachi (Japantown) in San Francisco, and then came home. It'll be really

great to see everyone-I haven't seen my sisters in years. Meantime, I have a little time with Mom and Dad before things go ape.

It's kind of odd to be back in my room…it's not really mine anymore; all my girlhood stuff is with me now, or is stored in places I won't have time to

get to this trip. Even my bed is with me up north, so I'm sleeping on a futon. In typical fashion, the folks know my preferences…sort of.

If you were expecting more on my Christmas, your one-way ticket to Disappointment City just got punched. Click here to read why.

It's a New Year, alright…it looks suspiciously like the old one--but then, that's nothing new either.

Today was the 1st day of spring. So I celebrated by going shopping with the SO and her Mom. Her mom bought me several nice outfits; I was

going in for a pair of pants and ended up with two pair of pants, a cuuuuuute sweater vest, a few other odds and ends. Now all I need is an excuse

Ordered my 1st pump of Estrogel today. Decided that the less crap in my liver and kidneys, the better-and since I am cleared to take up to 5 mg/day

of hormones, anything that I don't have to filter first has to be a better deal.

Life has settled into a reasonable routine; I get up, go to the gym and work out, then come home and work afternoons. Telecommuting is a pretty good

deal-but I sorta miss having people around to talk to. Still, working (mostly) en femme more than makes up for it.

I started using the Estrogel today. The pump is larger than I thought, but it does measure out things by a nice dose. We'll see how this works out….

Went yesterday to Portland at the behest of my SO; she got an invite to a meeting in a related line of her work that she thought I might be able to

contribute to. I wore the sweater vest/sky blue pants that her mom got for me last month; a little light makeup (very light; I can't afford to replace any

of my makeup right now so I am using it very sparingly) and we had a good time beforehand. The meeting itself was okay-I am not sure I am going to

be able to contribute as much as the SO thought. But, I tried, and so we'll see about any further trips to this outfit.

Make that any more trips IN that outfit. I got “read” the other night.

Oboy…the brown excrement may have just hit the round, oscillating instrument of air movement.

Just got an e-mail that was asking for a clarification of what I really am. (Not who…what. I guess that means I'm an “it.”) Apparently, my…presentation…

got somebody's panties in a wad. A phone call to the facilitator of the group just got made, and that should be the end of the matter. I explained that yes,

I was wearing a bra and had a reason to do so, that my doctor knows about what's going on inside me, and that my SO isn't exactly a dim bulb here. She

saw what I was wearing (she has admitted that maybe I could have chosen something a little less feminine or at least more neutral for this meeting), but

I have a sneaky suspicion that life just got a little more difficult.

For this weekend, I am going undercover. There's a meeting of the same outfit that gave me some hate and discontent a few weeks back, and we are going

because part of what the SO needs to get done is riding on the speaker. I am going…en homme. I now have one pair of male pants, and a polo shirt from the

Barbershoppers will be the uniform of the day. Based on the recommendation of the SO's boss, I cut my fingernails short. First time I've done that in years;

I usually file them down to a nice length. (Good thing there's fake nails, if I want them.) I will look like the man everyone seems to think I should be.

We'll see how things go. These neocons have no idea who they are playing ball with!

The trip to Portland can best be termed a draw, I guess. Business got done, I was seen by the right folks, looking like a man, etc. and so maybe things will

work out. I really hope so, for the sake of the SO-she really does not deserve the kind of crap like I get. As they say, this isn't about her. She should not have

to suffer needlessly because of my transsexuality. That's just cruel.

Today I got a second e-mail sent to me from the facilitator of this little group, essentially un-inviting me to attend the next meeting (or any others, for all that)

until “we have a chance to process things.” Since that will not be until later (whenever that is), I no longer have to report to Portland. Which actually may be

a good thing-I may have to go down to take care of The Momma-seems that Grandma is not doing well, so Daddy may to go take care of her (or at least see

I really didn't need this e-mail right now, though. I have enough junk going on in my life, and this just adds to it. I am already wondering if I maybe I should

just stuff my transsexualism back down deep inside and let it fester there. I don't want to, but maybe I should. It would be so easy-but then, so would

seppuku. Since ritual suicide is just not my style, I don't want to “kill off” Mina just to live a comfortable life. (I haven't lived that kind of life so far-why

Goddess, I am so confused. And tired, to boot. I've not slept well the last few nights trying to decide if I want to be Mina anymore or not. Maybe a week at

home is just what I need-never mind The Momma.

I have sent a reply to the facilitator. I told him that I felt this was a bit unfair, that I had explained myself over the phone, that I showed up looking like a man

a few weeks ago, that I had other things in my life to deal with, and that I was NOT going to explain things to a group that really had no business in my business.

I may have been a bit harsh, but he gives my SO no credit for a brain between her frontal lobes, and while he seems to think there is a sexual dysfunction,

that my sex life is not any of his-or anyone else's-business unless I deem it so.

It looks like I am headed home-Daddy is going to head out and someone needs to make sure The Momma does not fall and hurt herself. Since the SO and I were

heading down next weekend anyway, we are just leaving a bit earlier and taking an extra week. We both still have to work-but I will have the laptop, so I should be

Plus, I need to get out of town for a bit. I am feeling like everything is closing in on top of me, and I need to get out a bit. Maybe going to my girlhood home and

just relaxing for a week is just what I need. If nothing else, I'll have a chance to process some stuff.

I'm back from a week at home, taking care of the Momma, and…

I'm no closer to figuring out which freaking end is up than I was when I left. That kind of sucks, but then I didn't really give it much thought. I am still not

sure if being Mina is who I want to be anymore. However, that seemed to not be too important a question this week.

Instead, what I did was just took some time off and chilled. I did do a little work, and I did do a little thinking, I mostly just took the time to take a deep

Sometimes that does more for the soul than all the thinking in the world.

This is a day I never thought I'd see. The Great Purge of 2005 took place today. In a crisis moment, I tossed several worn out bras, some panties in a little

bit better shape, about six or seven femme polos, a few oversized blouses, a few more undersized blouses (they fit when I got them new--but I need to be

about 135 pounds and about as a big around as my arm to get in them now), a t-shirt or two, some pants (that were also dying a slow death), some work

slacks, two or three belts, and some minor personal effects.

I didn't want to do it, but after talking with my in-laws, and having them hint rather broadly that there are some things they'd rather not see me in-ever-I thought

I'd start the purge slowly and work my way up to the big stuff. Except I don't think I will toss any more stuff unless I really need to. I have reduced the number

of boxes in the garage, and so I think I'll wait on tossing anything else out if at all. I may have to, to keep my sanity; I may not have to, either. It depends on me,

by and large. I actually feel kind of silly, but then, that's life.

I suspect it will all come down to how I answer the question of whither Mina.

I took a vacation (the usual)--but I'm not writing this one up as usual--it's a prose piece. (Read it here.) I also took the time to decide about the Mina thing.

Which, actually, was really needed; it just reconfirmed what I have known since I was a little girl. (You can read that one here.)

Well, I am home from Salt Lake City and have survived a week plus of being all-male. I think it did more for me than a month of thinking/brooding about what

It's one thing, I have determined, to have the trappings of womanhood and not be sure of what to do. It's totally another thing to remove it all and have little or

no choice about who, what or how I want to be.

I have decided I don't want to quit being the woman I am. I acknowledge that I will have to tone it down as long as I am in the living situation that I am, but that is

simply life and instead of bitching about the lemons, I intend to make whisky sours and some of the best lemonade going.

Now I just have to tie up the loose ends with the folks in Portland. I still have not heard what's up, and frankly, I am starting to run low on time. Plus, the longer it

goes, the less likely I am to want to pursue the resolve-why dredge up trouble if it's just going to lie there and perhaps die of its own accord?

I sent what is now my 2nd e-mail of the Portland Mess, and will wait to see what happens now. There is less fear on my part-what can they do to me? I am more

concerned for the SO than for myself. After all-it really is more her reputation than mine; and if I keep showing up to events in undercover/male mode, eventually

they will lay off of her. “Just a case of poor taste in clothing” is all they will find me guilty of…and if we don't get things resolved by the trip in September, it'll be

November before anything will be done. At which time, it'll be a dead issue. It will be at that point some 7 months gone.

Meantime, I am working like a woman (and more or less en femme) daily--this means I'm working twice as much for half the pay. I can't totally do it en

femme; I have houseparents to deal with. In short: life moves on, sometimes way too quickly....

Geez, half a year goes by, and the world is nuts...however, my part of it has finally stopped spinning out of control and is righting itself. Slowly. There's been a

little panic, some purging of stuff that didn't fit or wasn't getting worn (and there's a few pieces that I regret losing), and some heavy soul searching.

Still no word from the clothing police on a meeting date. I am giving them until mid-August, at which time if I have not heard from them I must presume that there

is no longer an issue. (Not that I think there ever really was, but with a five week work/vacation trip across much of the continent, I have about run out of time to

sit on my butt and wait for them to decide if I am a menace to society or not.) I am back in bras and light makeup again, at least after working out. I have a new

clutch and so have taken the old wallet out and emptied it (a nice feeling, to have a proper clutch for my purse again!). Little feminine touches are creeping back

into my life again, after having stomped them down for a time. The Estrogel is working nicely with the Premarin, and right now, the only thing that would make life

a little nicer is a little more cash and a little more freedom to be Mina.

Still, it's nice to be a little more open again...went shopping with the SO and her Mom yesterday, and while they were off looking at Country Clutter, I told them I

was headed for Casual Corner. This after we ALL bought something at Koret.

It's good to be getting back to what passes for normal.

I have spent way too much on retail therapy-Meier and Frank, Macy's, Hot Topic, Target and Penny's have all been the beneficiaries-but as a result, I now have far

Some new bras and panties, new slacks, a new t-shirt that was just too cute to pass up, and a few other items as well.

And that is how July ends. We are moving forward, and while not at warp speed, at least we are moving.