On The Question of Life, Transsexualism, and Everything
Most of the time, I'm pretty well convinced that I am a woman. I have little or no questions about it; I am convinced and that is my final answer. But every so
often, I go through bouts where “it just ain't so.” I'm in one of those bouts right now.
Now before all you armchair psychologists start wondering if maybe I'm giving up, fear not. Nor am I wanting “the best of both worlds” (though I admit it'd be
nice if we weren't making gender issues such a stink in the news right now). And if you think I'm gonna purge all my stuff, dream on. (If I were, I'd sell it on
Trannybay first.)
Life is sorta hard tight now. On the one hand, I have far more freedom and support than I ever have. On the other, I have had to clamp down more than ever,
because of some minor unpleasantness some time back. People that I trusted to act like adults acted like children instead, and I have had to sort out the
wreckage. (Suffice it to say that there is one outfit I won't be wearing to Portland-or anywhere else-any time soon.) As a result, I have been forced, like it or
not, to examine my life as a woman.
I like that life. I find myself not wanting to restrain myself, to just give in totally and say screw the rest of the world and what it thinks.
I also like having a place to live, and an income to pay my bills.
So, I have had to back off a few things, and that makes me sad. Instead of being accepted for who I am, I have had to retreat-just a little-into being something
I'm not, just to keep a certain status quo. It's not right, I know, nor is it fair. Not to them…not to me.
By the same token, it's their loss, not mine. I'm still the woman I have always been; now I just have to present a side of me that is totally fictitious so other people
will relax. Once they have done so, and we can talk without them freaking out, then perhaps I can work as a change agent in their lives.
Then again, maybe not. These folks are the neo-conservatives, the ones who voted Republican because God is on their side and we must stop the dreaded
menace of liberalism and return everything to the “Ozzie and Harriet” era of the 1950's when there were no open gays, lesbians…or trannys. They feel that their
position on everything is right (in all senses of the word) and they will stop at nothing to make their point.
And I didn't fit their notions of who I should be. So they want to make me over in their image, instead of just asking me “what's up.” I lose the opportunity to be a
change agent for the better, in order to keep the very fragile peace I have. Is this right?
No. Nor is it fair, but it what needs to be done right now.
