So I'm sitting here, dressed in femme clothes, panties, bra, pushup pads and waist cincher in place, a certain amount of makeup and jewelry on, my girl glasses
(that need to have the lenses changed to my new prescription) on, in short-being the woman I am-and I've been contemplating my navel-sort of. I'm actually thinking
about a post I made recently on TrannyWeb. It had to do with how progression to womanhood is a journey, and not really a destination for most of us. Oh, I'm quite
sure there's a few out there that woke up one morning and decided they wanted to become a woman, and I am equally as sure there are a few that woke up one
morning and just as suddenly they were there at womanhood.
I'm not one of those, in either direction.
And actually, I'm glad I'm not. In some ways, it prepared me for the eventuality that I could-or even would-want to become a woman, instead of living a very confused
life as a man.
There are markers I can point to in my youth that should have been clues on my pathway. But it really wasn't until about 1995-1996 that the idea even seriously
began to ferment. The idea that I wanted-no, needed!-to become a woman didn't even start to take root until then. I can look back now, over thousands of pages of
writing, long periods of thought, debates with myself whilst alone in the car, and see how I got to where I am now. I can see the toy pots and pans my folks got me
as a really little child might not have been their first choice (but they were so cute). I can see how allowing me to do things like knitting and macramé classes,
teaching me to sew, clean and cook-not normally things one taught a boy, but a girl-influenced my path. I can see by letting me keep things from “Hello Kitty” that
really they probably ought not to have even allowed in the house (and I think I still have them, somewhere!), playing with my sister's “Liddle Kiddles” (when she
wasn't around), and fooling with makeup at an early age-and not busting me for it-have led (in part) to where I am today. In short-my parents, while not actively
encouraging me to be a woman, allowed me in some ways to explore that realm, in their own, somewhat controlled, way. I bless them and thank them for that!
I can see now how having a boyfriend in high school should have been a hint. How the comment in college that I wore my emotions on my sleeve, like a girl might,
could have been a road sign. How keeping love letters and mementos of old relationships is a girl thing. (Yes, I still have some of them, even now.) Discovering how,
when I got stressed, I did “girl things” might have helped me 20 years ago…if only I had known what to look for. (Hey, journaling, eating, and shopping are not just
great stress relievers, but…well, never mind.)
As of right now, I will see my “10th” birthday in early 2008. It'll be in March. But the birthing pains were far before the day I bought “a black lace bra and a cheap pair
of blue nylon panties.” I am seriously looking more at 1995 as when I really started to emerge, and may yet change the date on that 1998 start. 1995 was the year
I first started trying things on in secret. (Not that I hadn't before, mind you. I could make an argument for 1983 and a pair of green tights. 1995 is just the year I really
started looking at this with any real perception, if not any real knowledge.) One might argue for 2003, when I started hormones. Or even this year (2006), when I
bought the “girls” after my bra fittings.
However, my willing journey-that point where I decided to really examine this, in fits and spurts-could really be said to start about 1995. That means, as of this writing,
I've had 11 years to grow. 11 years to decide who I was, what I was, and how I really wanted to live. 11 years is 26% of my life. Even if I were to take the 1998 date,
that would still be 20%. The thought of that (to me, at least) is a little staggering. At least a fifth to a quarter of my life has been spent actively, knowingly, and gladly
on this journey towards becoming a woman, and thus in becoming the woman I am right now. That's a fair chunk of time, loves. And I am sure that many of you have
far more time, and many of you have far less time on this same journey.
One could argue that I've been three women. I'd have to disagree with that. Sure, I was Ami Mizuno, then Jayne Sakura, and finally became Minako Sakura. But
really, I've been just the one woman, trying to figure out who I really was-and thus, “what I wanted to be when I grew up.” (In some ways, it sucks to have to redo
puberty again. At least this time, I can get some things right, hopefully.) I decided I wanted to be an authoress. With everything I've written on this website, and
four e-books published (and more to come, I am sure), I am well on my way there, too.
The important thing-and I don't really want you to lose this here-is that, regardless of what year and when in that year I finally really got “started” on this journey, be
it 1995, 1998, 1999, 1979, 1983, 1975, or 1970 (and yes, claims can be made for just about all of those years!) is that I have taken this as a journey…not as a
destination!!! Oh, sure…some of the signposts were not too clear, and there were times when it more a dirt path than the six-lane Interstate it seems to be now.
There have been bumps and potholes on the road-I've had three decent sized purges in a seven year span, for example-and I am certain that there are plenty more
of those where they came from.
If all it took to become a woman was clothing, makeup, and accessories-or even the addition of hormones-I would have been a woman some time ago. Obviously,
this goes way past that, to actually living in femme mode. I do that, some 87.5%+/- of my time now. I am happy being the woman I am, but also know I have a long
way to go.
They say that “Getting there is half the fun.” (Yes, I still want to know who “they” are.) I suppose that depends on where “there” is. In this case, “there” is full blown,
total, 24/7/365 days a year womanhood. I'm not there yet. I know that I have not yet reached my destination. I doubt highly many of you have reached yours, either.
I'm closer now than I was seven years ago, but not as close as I'll be tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be that much closer, and next week I'll be even closer, and six months
from now, I should be even closer.
But on this journey, I have learned a lot about myself, and who I am, and why I am the way I am. That's important, because it explains, colors, and in some cases,
allows me to be that person.
And that's what makes this a journey…because, really, it's been a journey of discovery.
So…where are you on this journey? And, do you care to join me?
