I guess an explanation is in order. I am not against going home for Christmas. Or Chanukah. Or Kwanzaa, Ramadan, or even the Winter Solstice, take your pick. I actually enjoy the holiday season, as busy as it gets! J
What I am against is intolerance. While I live a fairly conservative lifestyle for a MTF transgenderist, I do not like having to be something I'm not for the holidays, even if it means peace and unity in the family. I have watched many families struggle with the issues that plague them, not necessarily gay/lesbian/bi/TG issues.
This poem could just as easily have been written from the viewpoint of a Christian whose family doesn't understand their faith…or from the perspective of one who has chosen the path of Buddha in a Christian household…or of someone who has chosen not to live an extravagant life, but has chosen a path of contentment, instead of the crass materialism of one's parents.
It could have been written from the viewpoint of Jew/Gentile, Protestant/Catholic, Black/White…you can name it, and with a few deft changes, this would fit your particular situation.
One last item: I do love my family, very much so. But I also understand that I cannot live the life I truly wish to without creating the kind of heartburn that accompanies such a radical change. (Let's be honest. Discovering your son wants to be your daughter is a rather large leap of faith, don't you think?) It's not just the immediate family, it's the extended family (and mine is rather large) as well. So I walk the same line that many in our community walk…but I know I don't walk it alone.
And that means a lot, especially at this time of the year.
I'll Be Home…
"I'll be home for Christmas…" No, I won't, simply because I just don't feel welcome there. Much less my
friends" or my lover.
"You can plan on me…" Yeah, right. Like I want to go where I'm going to be rejected. Where I'm
made to feel "different" because I'm not your little boy anymore.
"Please have snow…" Oh, please. Winter weather is not my favorite or yours, and it's as nasty
outside as it will be inside.
"…and Mistletoe…" Like I could embrace the one I care for in front of you…or even in your
home,behind closed doors! Much less enjoy some quiet time alone together…
"…and presents on the tree…" What will you buy for me? Something I don't want, can't use, and will be
unable to return…something "Macho", "Manly", or even "spiritual", to try
to turn me around, to "fix" me, as if I were a broken toy?
"Christmas Eve will find me…" Right here, where I'm comfortable being me.
"…where the lovelight gleams…" It may or may not be true love, but at least here I feel accepted for who
I am, not for what you think I should be.
"I'll be home for Christmas…" If only you'd let me be who I am, even for a short time, and not condemn
me…then I'd be more willing to come home…
"…if only in my dreams." …in my dreams is the only way that acceptance will ever happen. And don't
think I don't get it, because I know tomorrow you won't accept me then.
Must your acceptance of me be limited to only one day…if then?
Words and Music for "I'll Be Home for (written for EAC, with much love)
Christmas" by Kim Gannon and Walter Kent. MJS 12/6/2001
